I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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