Define "chronic" masturbator.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
