He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
