I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
