Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize