Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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