i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
