babies were throwing up all over the place
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
