My underwear smells like fireworks.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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