he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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