I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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