I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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