youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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