shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize