You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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