Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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