I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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