Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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