Will you blow on my dice?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
