I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
