I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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