I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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