it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
