you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
