i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
