Do you still have your period?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
