when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My vagina is officially offended.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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