We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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