On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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