"it" just moved
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
