btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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