yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
