No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I want a musical about memes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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