just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
