I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
