ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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