Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
