I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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