How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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