life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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