I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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