If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
