and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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