You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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