their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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