So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize