So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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