I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
