I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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