Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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