I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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