dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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