Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
