so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
