Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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