You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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