Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
