tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
