I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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