mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
