separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
