My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
