I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
