i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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