you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
