Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
