This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
