i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
