Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
